NGE: Nobody Dies: Demonic Cannon Girl Nana
by EarthScorpion
Summary: Crackfic and non-canon addition to Gregg Landsman's "NGE: Nobody Dies".  Someone made the mistake of letting the Ree get access to magical girl shows.  Naturally, they have decided to make their own.  But better.  With more explosions.  And fanservice.
1. Chapter 1

**Nobody Dies: D****emonic Cannon Girl Nana**

...

It was seven o'clock on a perfectly normal day, in a perfectly normal city, in a perfectly normal country.

Getting out of bed, this perfectly normal girl, with her red eyes and blue hair, put got dressed in her perfectly normal school uniform, as the light streamed in through the curtains, and went downstairs to have a perfectly normal breakfast.

"Hai!" shouted her brother, as he tossed a loaf of bread into the air. The razor-like cuts from his ancient, demon-cursed family sword (which was on fire) both sliced the bread, and toasted it

"Rrraww!" commented her father, as he read the newspaper.

Did I mention that they were a perfectly normal family of devil-blooded ninja. And that her father was a bear? I'm sure I must have. Just... don't ask me how she and her siblings were conceived. Really, don't. You don't want to know the vile depravities that her parents inflicted on each other in pursuit of their dark lusts; the blasphemous rituals of consensual sex in the missionary position for reproductive purposes.

"Good morning, Nana," said her mother, a perfectly normal woman in a blood-stained apron, carrying a chainsword axe. Which was also on fire. But the fire was... like, red and green, with these bright white bits in it. "How did you sleep?"

"Have you ever lain there awa~aaake, wondering what your purpose is in life, and stuff?" asked Nana.

"Rrrrawwww!" commented her father.

"Of cooo~ooourse, Dad!" yelled Nana, running up to, appropriately, give her father a bear hug. "You always know how to cheer me up." And with that, she left the house, and skipped off to school.

But it was fate, the cruel and unyielding whims of the Moriae, which dictated which an utterly contrived set of circumstances I can't be bothered to mention here ensured that she found herself in a back alley, staring at a little blue kitten with red eyes.

"Aww!" said Nana, clutching her hands to her chest, as the little kitten washed itself. "You're soo~ooo cute!"

"I kno~ooow! It's ree~eeally awesome," replied the kitten, as she began to lick her leg. "I mean, I'm ree~eeally cute, and I've got really sharp teeth and claws, and I can breathe fire, and I have laser eyes which are _awesome_. Ooooh! And I can turn back into a girl, because I was only cursed by a eee~eeevil witch, who cursed me with the awesome powers of radioactive eyebeams and the ability to claw through anythii~iiing."

There was a sound like escaping steam from our brave heroine, "Eyebeams! That's soo~ooo awesome! I want eyebeams!" she squealed.

"It's going to be awesome!"

"You mean I get eyebeams?" Nana squealed.

"Uh huh!"

"Yaaa~aaay!" Nana picked up the little kitten, and swung her around. "I love you so much! I'm going to call you Zyuu!"

"What a coincidence! That _is_ my name!" The kitten also began to squeal in happiness.

Nana suddenly looked sad. "Oh. But we're not allows pets where we live. That makes me unhappy. I am sad because I cannot keep you as a pet."

The kitten gave a tiny thumbs up. "Ooooh, it's fine. One of my powers allows me to maa~aagically turn into a maid. Look!" And, true to its word, the kitten turned into a blue-haired, red-eyed girl, in a really, really short French maid's outfit.

"Yay!" Nana paused. "But when do I get the eyebeams!"

"I was getting to that," the maid pouted. "Brave Princess Nana, you are one of the chosen few. You are one of the Righteous Energetic Envoys." Mysteriously triumphant music began to play in the background. "Few are their number. They are chosen, not made. Apart from me, 'cause I'm one of us, and also a maid. And I guess we're also made, because we have superpowers, and normal people don't. So we're actually made, not chosen, and I'm a maid. Right."

"Zyuu..." muttered Nana.

The maid pulled a small, egg-shaped crystal out from somewhere. It felt warm and a little bit sticky in Nana's hands... obviously the resplendent power of a noble heart and true destiny heating it, and leaking out, and not at all a consequence of the fact that kittens don't have pockets. "Raise this above your head, and recite your incantation. As one of the Righteous Energetic Envoys, an incantation will come naturally to you." Zyuu paused. "Oh no," she added. "A monster has come. Quick, you need to save the city."

"Oh no!" said Nana. "But I am only an untrained girl. However can I fight this monster on my own?"

"Oh no! If this isn't going to work, then we are all doomed."

"Oh no!" said a random, completely not-involved stranger with blue hair and red eyes. "The monster has grabbed a baby, and has just eaten it. If only we had someone to save us!"

"Oh no!

"Oh yeah!" yelled the building sized demon, its ice-like skin containing a thick red fluid which looked like blood, as it smashed through a skyscraper. "I am monster! I kill you all!"

As a soft, gentle melody filled the background, Nana felt her hair blow in the wind. "Stop, evildoer!" she yelled, raising the stone above her head. "I will slay you!"

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Monster not understand!" the monster rumbled, before it screamed in pain, as Zyuu shot it with her radioactive laser beam eyes.

"Come oo~ooon," said Zyuu. "Incantation!"

Drawing on her energy deep within her soul, with resolute mind and transcendental, squamous, rugose and Cyclope... uh, I mean, generous, kind and loving heart, Nana closed her eyes. When she opened them, they were blazing with the light of her brilliant soul.

"**I REALLY LOVE TO BLOW THINGS UP!**" she screamed to the heavens.

There was a brilliant flare of light, and she found herself holding a vast, complicated device. Odd steam jets vented out the side. A red glow emanated from the barrel. Six protrusions revolved around it. And Nana's clothes changed, too. No longer was she wearing a school uniform. Now, what she wore looked a little like a miniskirt, a little like something with very large shoulderpads, and a lot like a suit of medieval armour, mysteriously altered to have a low cut front, and bare the midriff.

"This is the Ma-hou, the Demonic Cannon!" shouted Zyuu, over the very loud music in the background. "But to bind it to yourself, you must give it its own name!"

Nana grinned. "I'm callin' it 'Cain'!" she said, with a too-wide grin. "Hold still!" she yelled at the monster, pointing the demonic weapon at the foe, and squeezing the trigger.

"Monster confused. Why you tell monster..."

And that was when the Ma-hou, Cain, fired.

The blast tore the foe apart, the brilliance blinding with the purity of holy light, which blossomed up into a mushroom cloud, obviously symbolising how new life comes from death, or something. I don't know. Point is, red goo went everywhere.

"Evil monster dead!" yelled Nana.

"Coo~ooool!" yelled Zyuu. "Now, I think it's..."

That was when the Cain fired again.

"Evil house dead!" yelled Nana.

And again.

"Evil school dead!"

Yet again.

"Evil... uh, data storage facility dead!"

Guess what.

"Evil tree dead!"

The screen faded to white.

_I know I've made new friends, and stepped into a world I never even dreamed existed. But what will happen now? Who will I meet. I hope I make lots of new friends. But I know that friends will become enemies, enemies will become friends, and whatever happens, I have Cain._

Demonic Cannon Girl Nana will now begin!

...

The lights came back up in the viewing room in the Reetrix. Nana and Zyuu stood up, to face the others.

"That's the pilot!" yelled Nana, punching a fist in the air. "Baa~aasically, what we're going to do, is, right, each episode, make the explosions ten times bigger."

"It's really cooooo~ool!" yelled Kiko, jumping up to join them. "I'm so doing it too! I can be the fanservice!" She paused. "I mean, right, I hit different buttons than Zyuu, and we can always have mooo~ooore fanservice, right?"

"I know, it's sooo~ooo awesome!" yelled back Zyuu, as the two hugged each other in a manner not quite appropriate.

"Does anyone else have ideas for ideas or things that would be _awesome_?" asked Nana, over the noise.

"... that is terribly scripted. The dialogue is stilted. There's no hint of character development. The plot makes no sense. There's no sense of challenge. It is, in fact, an extended ego-trip designed for the sole purposes of fanservice and large explosions."

"... ooooo~okay, does anyone else who is not Kei have suggestions for ideas or things that would be _awesome_?"

"An early boss who uses evil plants, but is beaten and joins the side of good and gets good plants!"

"More ninjas!"

"Close-ups of the Demon Cannon as it fires, and as it cycles, and as it does that _whooooooosh_ venting thing!"

"More fanservice!"

"A sense of verisimilitude."

"I said 'not Kei'!" Nana sighed. "You're still ree~eeally bitter because we tore up that book you were writing about a cursed-girl-who-has-to-live-with-a-condition-which-enslaves-her-and-forces-an-inhuman-mindset-upon-her-which-forces-her-to-do-stuff-she-doesn't-want-to-and-her-valiant-struggles-against-the-evil-within-her-and-her-quest-for-a-one-true-love-who-looks-really-good-in-sunglasses. And stuff."

"... and deleted the back-ups, and broke into my secure sectors, and deleted those back-ups, yes." Kei crossed her arms, pouting slightly.

Hatachi leanded forwards, and patted her on the shoulder. "It wasn't baa~aaad," she told her sister. "I liked the vampires. But... they should have been using more guns, and running in and shooting everyone." She paused. "And the sunglasses would work for that, too, you knoo~oow. Or maybe goggles. And a nice hat."

"You gotta have a nice hat," confirmed Iti.

"Sooo~oooooo, that's agreed then," said Nana. "Filming for 'Demonic Cannon Girl Nana' will now begin. And, you know, if it's awesome enough, we can probably get Little Mommy to get the CGI people to, like, change all the faces, and then show it on TV for ree~eeal!"

There were six squeals of joy, and one sound of a palm colliding with a forehead.

...


	2. Chapter 2: The Chapter With No Name

**NGE: Nobody Dies: Demonic Cannon Girl Nana**

**Chapter 2: The Chapter With No Title**

* * *

...

* * *

The sun was shining brightly down upon the city of Toyko-14. To be honest, the sun never expected to have to do such a thing. At the time of the first episode of Demonic Cannon Girl Nana, it had been shining down upon Toyko-3.

It was currently the fourth episode.

Could this be blamed upon the monsters which roamed the streets? Why, yes, it could.

Even if they did insist on calling themselves "Magical Girls".

But enough of this narratorial sarcasm. No, it was pieceful. And, yes, that spelling was deliberate, if you are reading this in the subs. Yes, it was full of pieces. That is an inevitable consequence, when the heroic ...

DEMONIC CANNON GIRL NANA

...is somewhere near you. Why, she's a true hero. In the Greek sense of the word.

Of course, if you haven't watched this since the pilot, none of this is probably making much sense to you. Well, you're not alone. It's not making much sense to me, and I'm the narrator. And also the cameraman. I ask you, isn't it hard enough to make sense of this mess of a storyline... well, I could call it that, but it's not like they keep to the script, anyway... without having to also be the one who has to capture the images? But, assuming you haven't watched it before, and for some reason you can't be bothered to watch the other episodes, know this, then. Demonic Cannon Girl Nana is no longer alone. She has found others of the Righteous Energetic Envoys to join her side. Quite apart from...

ZYUU, the Catgirl Maid with the Radioactive Laser Beam Eyes,

... she has also met...

SIYON, the Bloody Butcher of Toyko-5,

... I mean, honestly, does that sound like a hero's name? But the script says she is, so we must listen to that. I certainly do not advise you to look up the literary concept of the "Death of the Author", and use that to draw your own conclusions. Not at all. And above that, they have also met...

SAILOR KIKO,

... oh, what the hell! Has she changed her name again! God, I wish they wouldn't do that. They don't even tell me, you know, until that bit flashes up.

But, yes. For once, since Toyko-14 had been deployed from the underground place where they keep spare Tokyos, it was quiet. No screams of the dying filled the place, no nuclear blast cloud signalled the necessity to deploy another Toyko from the storage depot. And we're... what, still less than a minute into the episode. Still better than episode two, I suppose.

Onto the main story.

A ridiculously cute little girl, with brown hair and blue eyes was sobbing out her eyes, as she gazed up at a tree. A randomly passing blue haired, red-eyed girl, who was not one of the Righteous Energetic Envoys, no sir, honestly she wasn't, was curious, and so walked over.

"Hee~eey!" she called out, to the little girl. "I'm ree~eeally curious, so I walked over." She squatted down besides the child. "What's your name?"

The child sniffled, adorably, and then pointed up the tree. "I'm Notichi," she said, "and my kitty is stuck up in the tree."

Oh, gods. Why? She's just going to blow up the tree, isn't she? Anyway, Nana looked up at the tree, and shrugged. "Why, as a Right... um, person, I will save your kitty!" She paused. "I..."

"~Heeeey~! I'm Sailor Kiko!"

"H~eeeey! I'm Zyuu, the Catgirl Maid with the Radioactive Laser Beam Eyes "

The cries signalled the arrival of two more identical looking blue-haired girls onto the scene, except, of course, they were under the glamour of a magical girl, which meant that, despite the fact that they looked identical, and any decent facial recognition software would have been able to make a link, given that they do appear on camera, and physiologically their bone structure has remained the same. Oh, and the fact that they still have blue hair, which isn't a common... oh, wait, yes it is, because this is a reality where human hair colour is not "a shade of brown, or maybe red if you're of a certain heritage". I shouldn't be complaining. Perhaps now, the tree and the cat, and maybe Tokyo-14, will not be blown up.

"Oh, looo~oooook! A cat's up the tree! How saaa~aaad!"

"But, oh no! We're both wearing very short skirts! Do you think," Zyuu put one hand to her mouth, "some cute, sensitive-looking boy wouldn't be soooooo rude to look up my skirt and see that I'm not wearing any panties!"

"... or cute red-headed girls? I hope they're not looking," Kiko added loudly. "'Cause I'm not, either!"

From the low camera angle, as they clambered up the tree with grace and agility, it could be seen that they were telling the truth. And that blue was, in fact, their natural colour. Insofar as the term 'natural' described anything about them.

"I rescued the cat!"

"No, I did."

Eventually, after a brief fight up in the tree, the two girls jumped to the ground, each with one hand on the kitten.

"Here you go, Ichi," Kiko said, proudly. "We got the cat."

"Notichi," someone hissed from off camera.

"Huh?"

"This isn't Ichi. It's just a programme we based on her."

"Oh yeah."

Uh... that was just a trick of the light or something. Ignore that conversation.

Kiko shook her head. "Look, I got the cat!"

"I did!" muttered Zyuu.

But before it could degenerate into yet another tedious argument... yeah, if you're one of the guys who skipped over Episode 3, count yourself lucky. Or possibly unlucky. Do you know, they only got through three Toykos, because Kiko and Zyuu were too busy having a fanservice-off, and arguing who could win. They had to fight the monsters in the shower in a bathhouse on the beach, and most of that was just Siyon killing them off screen. Um... where was I? Oh, yes. Behind them, a sinister bunch of businessmen drove by, in sinister limousines, all wearing sinister shirts. There was, in fact, so much sinisterness, that one might have thought that none of them were dexterous.

However, none of the girls paid any attent...

"Evildooers," a single voice rang out.

Wait, who's that? Oh, God, it's Siyon. She was standing on top of an electricity pylon, letting the wind blow through her hair again, wasn't she? God, she always _does_ this. She's going completely off script!

With a step off into nothingness, the girl let herself fall, her school uniform blowing around her. The was an eruption of steam, as she crushed the engine of the first car with her fall, and then reached in, and tore out the driver's heart with her hand. The bloody trophy was held aloft, and then thrown into the next car, where it splattered. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the driver screamed, and swerved, crashing into a wall, and exploding in a smoky fireball.

Well, that's the script useless. Again.

The third and fourth cars, however, pulled to a stop in this residential area. And out got a swarm of suited goons, carrying very large, and somewhat sci-fi looking guns. All together, they aimed their guns at Siyon. And then there came one very, very large man, wearing glasses. Beneath his suit, the glow of an armoured exoskeleton could be seen.

Slowly, with closed eyes, he took off his classes, and folded them up. When he looked up, the glowing red of cybernetic eyes could be seen. "Target detected," he stated. "Elim..."

And that was when a tune began in the background; poignant, yet beautiful. It spoke of sorrow, and of the simple joys of life.

"_**MEAT FOR THE SLAUGHTER!**_" whispered Siyon. Yes, I don't know how she whispered it like that, but she did. Slowly, her school uniform began to glow, the fragments flaking off her, as a brilliant red light from behind her made her figure a siluohette.

Siyon did not wait for her transformation sequence to complete, before springing into action. Sprays of blood and jets of gore, ropes of viscera and fragments of bone erupted from the mess of mooks as the girl ran through them, the last of her uniform peeling off and leaving her naked, before her Magical Girl costume started to form around her.

"Oh god! Ohgodohgodohgodohgod..."

"Sp-sp-spine! She's choking me w..."

"My spleen! The most precious of all my organs!"

None of them could do anything, as she waded through them, unable to raise their weapons or even target her. The cyborg leader was impaled on his own arms and legs, and mounted on top of the car before the red light turned off.

Not that it made much of a difference, really. Lit in red, covered in red. Same thing, really.

"And... that's a wrap!" someone shouted.

* * *

...

* * *

"Pheeee~eeeeeew," Nana yawned. "I was ree~eeally actin' my heart out there." She slumped down on a casting chair.

"Um... Siyoo~ooon?" Zyuu said, holding a clipboard, which merely seemed to be a prop for her very tight shirt and pair of glasses which she had instantly changed into, "I was just wooo~ooondering..."

Her sister grinned at her, still dripping in blood. "Yep?"

"Wee~eeeeeell, do'ya have to always kill _all_ the enemies during your transformation sequence? I mean, we're meant to be gettin' in fanservice, right? And then you run off camera and just kill'em all!"

Siyon shook herself off like a dog, splattering blood all over Zyuu, who clicked her fingers, to make the stains fade. "Sooo~oooo? I'm invincible when transforming, right? So I should always use the power-up to kill all the bosses then, 'cause they'd be harder to kill normally."

"You're missing the pooo~oooooint."

"I don't think so." Siyon looked smug. "Even _Kei_ agreee~eeees that's it's the best thing to do."

Zyuu frowned. "Yeah. That's my problem with it. It's too~oootally out of genre. And you don't need to delete the files, too~ooooo, when you kill them. It just makes retakes _hard_."

"If you don't ree~eeally want them to be killed, you shouldn't have them be all sinister-like, and drive behind us."

"But, you totally don't know that they're villains yet!"

"I doo~ooooo!"

"Why?"

"Wee~eeell, two reasons. Firstly, I'm totally the watching person of the team, 'cause I spends her time hidden, and up on buildings where no-one sees me, so I worked it out."

Zyuu nodded her head. "Yeah... yeah, that works." She made a note.

"Plus," Siyon grinned a feral grin, "I read the script, and it said that they were going to try to betray us. Plus, Nana was gonna get a cut on her cheek from them, and so I couldn't let them live."

The blue-haired girl sighed. "Loo~oook... 'kay, I'll talk to you later. I need to talk to Kei."

The youngest of the Ree was sitting in a corner, writing something in a notebook. At the sign of her sister's approach, both eyebrows raised, and with a wave of her hand, the notebook disappeared.

"Yes?" she asked, tone neutral.

"H~eeeey! Um... listen, Kei..."

"I am listening."

"It's aboo~ooout the Narrator programme."

"What about it?"

"It's getting... kinda snarky."

"Imagine that." The girl's voice was flat. "I'm sorry. All you told me was that you wanted it to sound like the narrator from, and I quote, 'some other popular anime series or something'. And I even did as you asked. I took the voice and the personality from a very popular anime series, such that it might even be used to deal with people like you. After all, don't you want to be popular? Don't you want to show off how creative you are?"

Zyuu puffed her chest up. "Of course, don't cha'know! Creativity knows noo~oooo bounds!"

"Not yet, at least."

"Yeah... see, that's not ree~eeally a constructive attitude, is it?"

"Isn't it?"

"Nope. Nope, it's not."

Kei sighed. "If I make a replacement set of villain characters for the ones who Siyon just killed... another replacement set, I might add, will you leave me alone?"

"Yep!" Zyuu paused. "Well... maybe. Kinda." She blinked, and checked her clipboard again. "And that's the other thing, see. Can you make 'em... more evil?"

Kei frowned. "But... they were exceptionally evil! They were recklessly and deliberately destabilising the entire global fiscal system! By offering cheap loans to people that they had deliberately chosen because they knew that they would default, and then setting up a complex leverage scheme where the eventual loss in faith of global credit ratings would cause a market crash, they could get control of several major industries on a global scale, achieving a localised monopoly in certain key biotech industries! And with those assets, they could near-indefinitely suppress a cheap long-term solution to the problem of malaria, instead propagating their own, more expensive short-term solution! Millions would die, and they would make billions! And they were doing it in a way which was entirely legal! It was a brilliant plan!"

Zyuu pouted. "But... can you make them make them wear moo~ooonocles? And hats! Oh, and get the men all wearing veee~eeeery short shorts, and tight shirts!"

Kei stared at her sister. "So... what you, in fact, want, is a group of evil German biotech-bankers in lederhosen. Wearing monocles. And top hats." She sighed. "Would you also like me to give them all moustaches to twirl, and a proclivity for trying to kidnap blue-haired magical girls?"

"Brilliant!" Zyuu yelled, hugging her sister closely, with a slight oooof of air. "I knew you'd get into the spirit of stuff!" The girl paused. "Ooo~oooh! And we can get the old Sorceress King programme out of storage, and make hir their leader!"

"Yes," Kei said through gritted teeth. "Yes, _you_ can."

"Cool, Kei!" Zyuu said, cheerfully. "Now, I gotta go help Iti with her lines for her Crazy bit, where she's attacking them with plants and stuff. She keeps on calling them Nana and people her 'anemones', 'cause of her problem. Don't worry..."

"I'm not worried."

"... she totally gets over it and joins them, for the element of Wood." Zyuu grinned. "It's meant to teach children the value of friendship. 'Cause, you know, this programme has lots of educational value. We totally need to tell Little Mommy that, so she'll let us sell it to the TV companies."

* * *

...


End file.
